He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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