We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
