If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
