I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
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If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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