Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
