Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my liver is dry heaving
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just puked most of my soul out..
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