you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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