just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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