yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
