Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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