Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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