Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
