I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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