Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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