Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
