i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
