I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
