I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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