party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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