Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
