There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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