you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
