My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
