watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
