Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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