One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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