i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
