I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
