Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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