the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So squirting runs in the family.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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