The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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