Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
