I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
