There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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