how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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