When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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