Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
