Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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