I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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