I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
