Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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