what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
