I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
