we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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