Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
