i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
