Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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