Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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