I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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