i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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