I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
