i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
