Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
