you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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