i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
