I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize