Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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