I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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