Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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