Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
