Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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