guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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