i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
