the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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