You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
